Why You Can't Lead with Compassion Until You Become Kind to Yourself

Photo by @timmarshall on Unsplash

I caught myself doing it again yesterday.

A small mistake in an email. Nothing major. But the voice in my head was brutal: "How could you be so careless? You should have caught that. This is so unprofessional."

Then I noticed something: this is exactly what I used to think when colleagues would make mistakes. Not out loud, of course. But the energy was there. The impatience. The judgment.

Here's the truth I learned the hard way: We can't give to others what we can't give to ourselves.

The compassion gap in leadership

Compassion is often talked about as a leadership skill for the future. And it is. But here's what nobody tells you: you can't manufacture compassion for your team if you're constantly beating yourself up internally.

Why? Because 95% of our thoughts, feelings, and actions are subconscious. How we treat ourselves becomes our frame of reference for how we believe others "should" be treated.

If you have a tendency to be hard on yourself when you're angry or make a mistake, the likelihood is that when someone else makes a mistake or feels angry, you'll be hard on them too, even if you don't realize it.

This is subconscious. We're not aware of these patterns most of the time. But they're very real, and they have major implications for the kind of safe space we can provide for others.

Compassion vs. empathy: Why the difference matters

Let me clarify something important: compassion is not the same as empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. You feel what they feel.

Compassion is concern for the suffering of others while maintaining a healthy distance. You care, but you don't absorb their emotions.

This distinction is crucial for leaders. Empathy can be exhausting and cloud your judgment. Compassion allows you to stay objective and focus on actionable support.

But here's the catch: compassion is hardest to access when we're in an emotionally heightened negative state, which happens a lot in leadership when your neck is on the line if results aren't delivered.

When the stakes are high, it's incredibly hard to stay neutral and not react to emotional triggers.

The moment everything shifts

When I work with clients, this concept doesn't tend to be understood at an actionable level until I mirror back the lack of compassion they have towards themselves—live, in the moment.

Only when I interrupt the negative self-talk to bring attention to that pattern do clients start to question: "How useful is it to beat myself up? What is this really bringing me? How helpful is it, really?"

There's never a good rational answer.

And that's where the shift happens. That's where someone realises: "I need to change how I speak to myself."

This creates new self-awareness. And the good news? We can't undo self-awareness.

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Next time you do it, you're more likely to notice it. And only then can you choose to respond differently to your default inner dialogue.

A more helpful response might be: "Hey, I'm beating myself up again. It isn't helping. Stop."

Then replace that narrative with something kinder: "Hey, I'm doing the best I can. Next time I'll try again."

Why this matters for your leadership

Here's what happens when you develop self-compassion:

You automatically create more space to find compassion for others—without having to think about it.

When a team member comes to you with a problem or mistake, you won't immediately react with frustration or judgment (even if it's just internal). Instead, you'll have the capacity to stay curious, stay supportive, and stay focused on solutions.

This creates psychological safety. Your team members will open up to you about their real issues before they become bigger problems. Trust builds faster. Communication improves. Performance follows.

But none of this happens if you're still running that harsh internal dialogue with yourself.

We can't access clarity of thought from a negative emotion. Finding more compassion for ourselves helps us shift our emotional state from negative to positive, which is far more productive for making decisions and resolving problems.

Simple to understand. Harder to action, because it involves rewiring your subconscious patterns.

The golden rule, revised

You've heard: "Treat others as you want to be treated."

But here's a better version: "Treat others as they want to be treated."

Different personality types have different preferences. What brings us peace and feelings of safety varies for all of us. That's what our subconscious mind cares about, and that's what runs our lives.

But before you can master treating others as they want to be treated, you need to master treating yourself with basic kindness.

Because you can't give what you don't have.

Your practice starts here

For the next week, I invite you to catch yourself in the act of negative self-talk.

Notice:

• What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake?

• What's your internal tone when things don't go as planned?

• How would you feel if someone spoke to you the way you speak to yourself?

Then practice interrupting that pattern:

1. Notice: "I'm beating myself up right now."

2. Stop: "This isn't helping."

3. Replace: "I'm doing my best. Next time I'll try again."

It will feel awkward at first. That's normal. You're rewiring decades of conditioning.

But with practice, this becomes your new default. And when it does, watch how your relationships transform, both with yourself and with your team.

Your Self-Reflection

• How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake?

• Would you speak to a team member the way you speak to yourself?

• What's one kinder thought you could practice this week when things don't go perfectly?

Remember: compassion for others starts with compassion for yourself.

Ready to develop more self-awareness and compassion as a leader?

If you're ready to interrupt these patterns and create a more supportive leadership style, both for yourself and your team, I invite you to Connect with me: Follow me on LinkedIn, and visit The Self-Science Lab for more info. 

Written by: Lauren Cartigny, Leadership Trainer, Executive Coach and Mindfulness Practitioner

Following a successful international corporate career in Sales for leading Tech firms, Lauren faced an unexpected burnout, life and health crisis. After re-building her life, transforming her career, and healing her body, heart and mind, Lauren has created transformative coaching and training programs to teach High-Performance from a place of Well-Being to prevent burnout, and employee churn in organisations.