4 Ways Our Ego Prevents Us from Accessing Our Confidence

Growing up, I was shy and had low confidence. I was ok at science and good at sports, but spelling and maths weren’t my thing. Having been accepted to join a college where I would study science in the morning and sports in the afternoon, I had to wait a year for a space. At 15, I left my family in France to live with my beloved grandparents in England to wait that year out, improving my English by doing my first year of GCSEs.

It turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I ended up staying for two years to complete my GCSEs. I went from an average grade of a D in English Literature to an A grade in my final GCSE exams. This huge improvement was reflected in all my grades.

This article aims to help you understand what stopped me from accessing my confidence so you can learn about how your Ego could be getting in your way. Read on as I reflect on this experience today as a leadership coach.

“Don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Don’t be afraid to fail big, to dream big.” Denzel Washington

The gift behind growing up with low prospects is that while I didn’t have any dreams and just hoped to merely get by, I wasn’t bothered by failure as I had low expectations of myself. I felt I had nothing to lose from trying new things. Then something happened between the age of 15 and 17 where I unlocked my confidence, and the sky became the limit.

Until now, I never understood why. After reviewing my own life story of continuous transformation and seeing patterns in my coaching clients over the last 5 years, I can now explain how I unlocked my confidence and how you can learn from this in 4 ways.

1. Our ego runs outdated logic-based programs which are mostly no longer relevant in adulthood

We are born with no expectations, no opinions, no information, no biases. Our personality forms between the age of 3 and 7 years old.

In that time, we deduce things from our experiences to try to make sense of the world. We start liking and disliking things, we learn, we copy behaviour around us. It is in that time that our Ego emerges. The role of the Ego is to protect us from danger. Our ego, in simple terms, is a set of beliefs which are used to check if something is safe or unsafe.

So, when we feel hurt then our Ego will make a note of cause and effect and remember this to avoid pain in the future. This is logical. In the primitive days where our physical safety wasn’t guaranteed, this was useful, and still today this helps us from avoiding dangerous situations, like looking right and left before crossing the road to not get run over.

In times, where our physical safety is less of a concern, our Ego needs to keep busy to survive, so it looks for threats where there may not be any. Instead of physical danger, it focuses more on emotional pain: “whatever made me feel bad, I will avoid in the future because pain is dangerous, and danger can cause death.”

Parental and schooling reinforcement of certain behaviour will contribute to this programming. For example, if you grow up with parents who focus mainly on you “doing well” at school, then when you don’t feel competent you may feel bad. This may drive perfectionism and controlling tendencies. Again, these are character traits, but when extreme can become unhelpful.

2. Our Ego only seeks familiar and “safe” situations

As children what drives our behaviour is being accepted and loved by our caregivers because we have no other way to survive.

Continue to Brainz Magazine for full article here.