3 Ways to Identify Where Stress Is Coming From in Your Life
Photo by @silverkblack on Unsplash.
I used to think stress was just part of being successful.
The tight chest before meetings. The racing thoughts at 3am. The constant low-level anxiety. I wore it like a badge of honour—proof I was working hard, achieving things, pushing boundaries.
Then my body gave me an ultimatum: slow down or shut down.
That's when I started understanding what stress actually is and, more importantly, where it comes from.
What stress actually is
Here's a definition that changed everything for me:
Stress is the gap between our expectations and the reality we perceive.
That gap creates fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. Our ego interprets this as dangerous, and the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.
But here's what most people don't realise: we've become so used to being stressed that our bodies have adapted to it as a permanent state. Our nervous system is in survival mode most of the time.
What now feels "off" is feeling relaxed and at peace. Some may even say it feels boring. I can say that because I was one of them.
How stress unfolds
According to The Process Communication Model®, all human stress responses unfold in four predictable stages:
We lose clear thinking - Our rational brain goes offline
We make interpretations - We tell ourselves stories that aren't facts
We feel negative emotions - Anxiety, frustration, overwhelm flood in
We make inappropriate choices - We snap, avoid, or self-sabotage
This happens so fast that most of us aren't aware until we're already at Stage 4, wondering why we just sent that passive-aggressive email.
The four stress indicators
Before you can address stress, you need to detect it. Monitor these four indicators:
Your thoughts: Positive or negative? Clear or spiralling?
Your feelings: Pleasant or unpleasant? Calm or agitated?
Your body: Tension and aches? Tight shoulders, clenched jaw?
Your energy: Low or high? Drained or vibrant?
When I was most stressed, I had chronic digestive issues, constant muscle tension, racing thoughts, and felt exhausted yet wired simultaneously. My body was screaming at me, but I'd become so disconnected I thought this was "normal."
It wasn't normal. It was chronic stress.
Where is your stress actually coming from?
Stress typically comes from one or a combination of three sources:
Source 1: You (Internal stress)
This is the hardest to accept but most empowering: we're responsible for controlling our emotional state.
Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal's research of 30,000 adults found that people who experienced high stress but didn't view it as harmful had the lowest risk of dying—even lower than people with minimal stress. Our mindset about stress literally changes how our body responds.
When I did this exercise, I realised 70% of my stress was self-generated. I was expecting perfection, catastrophising about future outcomes, and interpreting neutral situations as threats.
My stress wasn't coming from my circumstances—it was coming from how I was relating to them.
Ask yourself:
How stressed do you feel on a scale of 1-10?
Where do you feel this in your body?
What expectations am I holding that aren't being met?
What stories am I telling myself that might not be true?
Source 2: Others (Relational stress)
They say we're highly influenced by the five people closest to us. How positive are those connections?
Dr John Gottman's 40 years of research found that chronic relationship stress is one of the most significant predictors of poor health outcomes.
But here's the nuance: all relationships are a co-creation between at least two parties.
I spent years trying to "manage" other people's emotions, thinking if I could just be the right way, they'd change. That pattern created enormous stress because I was trying to control something that wasn't mine to control.
Ask yourself:
Which relationships energise you? Which drain you?
Are you responsible for your part, or taking on what isn't yours?
What boundaries might you need to set?
Source 3: Environment (Situational stress)
Sometimes stress genuinely comes from the situation. But even then, we have more control than we think.
Environmental psychologist Roger Ulrich found that hospital patients with a view of nature recovered faster than those facing a brick wall. Your environment matters.
When I identified that open-plan offices were a massive stress trigger (constant noise, no control, sensory overload), I started working from home two days a week and using noise-cancelling headphones. That simple change reduced my stress by 30%.
Ask yourself:
What environments trigger your stress response?
What environments help you feel calm?
What small changes could you make?
The power of focused awareness
Here's why identifying the source matters: you an only change what you can control.
If your stress is primarily internal, work on your mindset and self-regulation. If it's relational, examine your boundaries and communication patterns. If it's environmental, change your situation or how you navigate it.
Most of us try to fix everything at once and end up overwhelmed. When you identify the primary source, you can focus your energy where it will have the most impact.
Your Self-Reflection
• Using the four indicators, how stressed are you right now on a scale of 1-10?
• Where is your stress primarily coming from: internal (you), relational (others), or environmental (situation)?
• What's one thing within your control that you could change this week?
Remember: You can't change what you can't see.
If you're ready to make your unconscious stress behaviour conscious, Follow me on LinkedIn, and visit The Self-Science Lab for more info.
Written by: Lauren Cartigny, Leadership Trainer, Executive Coach and Mindfulness Practitioner
Following a successful international corporate career in Sales for leading Tech firms, Lauren faced an unexpected burnout, life and health crisis. After re-building her life, transforming her career, and healing her body, heart and mind, Lauren has created transformative coaching and training programs to teach High-Performance from a place of Well-Being to prevent burnout, and employee churn in organisations.